As one Dumbledore shuts, another Dumbledore opens.
And, so, as Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 brings the blockbuster fantasy series to a spectacular close after 10 money-spinning years, Hollywood studio Warner Bros turns its attention to milking its biggest movie franchise for a few squillion more. Yes, we’re talking prequels, sequels and spin-offs.
If Antonio Banderas (Puss in Boots from the Shrek movies) can get his own, self-titled spin-off movie (coming in November), surely Neville Longbottom deserves a crack.
Here, then, are some Harry Potter prequels, sequels, spin-offs and remakes we’d like to see.
Neville Longbottom and the Cardigan of Doom: Part I The unlikely hero of HP 7.2’s climactic Battle of Hogwarts (played by Matthew Lewis) shrugs off the many Facebook pages that have sprung up to diss his uber-daggy cardigan. He grabs the Sword of Gryffindor and sweeps Luna Lovegood off her feet for a series of adventures unearthing ancient relics, including lost arks, holy grails and crystal skulls.
Harry Potter’s Son and the Philosopher’s Stone: The Tale of the 140 Characters The Boy Begat By The Boy Who Lived stars in his own epic, eight-part series of Tweets. Mercifully, the whole thing takes about four minutes to read.
McGonagall’s Angels Maggie Smith, Julie Walters and Emma Thompson go completely bad-ass and quit Hogwarts to set up their own private detective agency, zapping villains with their wands and calling mean girls “bee-atch”.
Who’s That At The Dumbledore? Improvised live comedy show in which guest Defence Against The Dark Arts professors go through a blue door into a scene featuring Headmaster Dumbledore, Gandalf the Grey and Obi Wan Kenobi and try to tell them apart.
Die Hard 5: Return of the Snape Alan Rickman’s Professor Severus Snape uses polyjuice potion to reprise Die Hard baddie Hans Gruber (also played by Rickman), who seizes control of Hogwarts and holds Nearly Headless Nick hostage. Bruce Willis saves the day with his “yippee ki-yay” profanity spell.
Dirty Hagrid Robbie Coltrane’s loveable giant takes the law into his own hands, stalking the grounds of Hogwarts, armed with an oversized wand and confronting students skipping potions class with “Do you feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk?”
Eat Pray Love 2: Hermione’s Time Realising there’s more to life than a husband, house and career, Hermione (Emma Watson) breaks up with Ron and embarks on an odyssey to find herself in Italy, India and Bali. She eventually falls for a charming Muggle film critic from Newcastle.
Ron Fatboy Ron Dumped by the luscious Hermione, that whiny ranga Weasley (Rupert Grint) hits the Butterbeer (popular wizarding beverage) and Bertie Botts Every Flavour Beans (popular wizarding sweets) and stacks on the kilos.
Meet The Malfoys Ben Stiller’s hapless Gaylord ‘‘Greg’’ Focker tires of father-in-law Robert DeNiro’s regular lie-detector tests and runs off with his secretary, the lesser-known youngest daughter of Lucius and Narcissa Malfoy, Kylie Malfoy (Lady GaGa in her screen acting debut). Kylie’s older brother Draco (Tom Felton) promptly vaporises Greg’s painfully unfunny parents (Barbra Streisand and Dustin Hoffman), proving once and for all he’s a good guy.
Sirius Black Swan The former prisoner of Azkaban takes up ballet. During his climactic performance of Swan Lake, he transforms into a big black dog. Variety calls it “barking genius”.
Cedric’s Diggory-Do Twilight heart-throb Robert Pattinson reprises the role of Hogwarts TriWizard champion Cedric Diggory for a series of hairstyling adventures in the Australian outback, zooming through the desert on his Quidditch broomstick with two drag queens, Vampire Valmay and Werewolf Wayne.
MasterChef Death Eaters Challenge You haven’t tasted croquembouche until Lord Voldemort’s army of kitchen wizards, led by Bellatrix Lestrange, have unleashed their culinary Black Arts on the famous French pastry. Matt Preston plays Hagrid.
Sunrise with Mel and Voldie You Know Who replaces David Koch as Network Seven tries to break the unfathomable Gold Logie spell cast by the Today show’s Karl Stefanovic.
Everybody Loves Dobby Spin-off TV sitcom charting the madcap home life of Dobby the House Elf, his fed-up wife, overbearing parents and very tall, very jealous brother, Robbie the House Elf.
Do you have a Harry Potter prequel/sequel/spin-off in mind? Share it with the Movie Buzz Blog.
Email a friend