6.11.2008. Well i have eaten too many bags of chaff and oats and sadly have not had a great career on the track of late, whereas my wife has gone easy on the oats, is still pretty race fit and takes up the bit when she can. Our lives are totally consumed by cancer as we painfully observe the effects on our son over the years, and whether she gallops in the sun or i graze in the shade it is difficult to cope or manage. Etched in my mind are the faces of those kids who lost their life - they were amazing, they were inspirational and they too were positive. Perhaps i might get the farrier out and get reshod.

11.2.2009. Thought i would tell Amy about Frank, he is a good family man,owns a horse,follows Adelaide in the A League and has a couple of kangaroo paw in the garden, personally that is about all i know but he is also bestowed with many honorifics but still remains Frank.Frank is the paediatric oncologist at the John Hunter Hospital and has a tough job.January marked 10 years since the JHH provided oncology for children and Frank has been at the helm since day one.On a regular basis, about once a fortnight ,Frank meets with concerned parents and tells them their child has cancer.He has treated between 250 and 300 children and built up a rapport with their mothers and fathers beyond description but sadly in the vicinity of 70 kids have lost their lives, the rest can thank him for theirs'.He stands out like new seasons hay.

18.2.2009. I have two sons who have been diagnosed with cancer both at the age of nine.The first with Acute Lymphoblastic Luekemia,he suffered many setbacks during his two years of treatment but has made a full recovery,his brother had a Medulla Blastoma, a brain tumour, which has relapsed three times and has had his quality of life destroyed by its treatment.I am so proud of his grit, courage and determination as he faces one challenge after another,after another, after.....He inspires many.This is my eleventh year of watching kids,mine and others,suffer from this insideous disease.I have relinguished most of my working role in an attempt to play a supporting role but it is difficult,often the day passes with out much to show but on other days there is some fun.With that in mind we are off to the Quirindi Cup tomorrow and the tip Our Mate Tom race one.

18.3.2009. The school certificate may not be recognized as a high level of academic achievement but not everyone gets one. Our son didn't, due to having been in or at hospital for over 200 days during year 10 being treated for cancer. However he did achieve a life skills certificate. On presentation day there were close to 200 students to go up on stage to accept their certificates and awards. It was taking a while , fairly repetitive with little reaction from the crowd but when our son was called there was loud applause and a resounding cheer, it brought tears to my eyes as i bursted with pride. I looked across the room and saw an unlikely looking mob , year 10 students, who in fact were fine young citizens their response was unprompted, heartfelt and full of goodwill.

7.4.2009. We are off to the Sydney Olympic Aquatic Centre today for the Multi Disability breast stoke for state primary schools. Our swimming is closer to ordinary than excellent but participation can lead to opportunity. At our local pool, on a chalk board is an affirmation which reads "a pessimist sees a difficulty in every opportunity and an optomist sees an opportunity in every difficulty". Sometimes it is easy to forget our good fortune in having opportunities - for some the cost is not having one.

1.5.2009. We enjoy living a rural lifestyle and the need to travel for medical expertise is a draw back.We have been at the Calvary Mater again looking for some response from radiotherapy treatment with five machines in use and a sixth to be comissioned soon (no money at present) there is a large crowd in the waiting area but no familar faces.In the corridor we saw a likeable young man from home who has down syndrome he enquired the purpose of our visit, he then knelt down on his knees, put a hand on each side of the wheel chair and said "if you die mate i will miss you" very frank and very touching.

26.5.2009. Life for a 17year old fella should be bounding away, too many choices to choose, study, the HSC, girlfriends, socializing, holiday in Europe, work in the UK, career paths, sports, horses, footy, whatever but if the cards you are dealt are unfair and where cancer is trumps life is more stayed with pain,wheelchairs,morphine,MRIs, bloodtests,pain, failing bodyfunctions,pain,isolation,bore dom,necrosis,pain, feeling alone and unassisted, fatigue of the body and mind and pain.The cards to value are health,education,opportunity and a promising tomorrow.

16.6.2009. If your kids have a serious illness or disability and they ask for help, they are entitled to have an expectation that you will but when you can't....................no matter how hard you try...............it leaves you...................looking for words. "....""............." "............." ......"

30.6.2009. Loneliness also applies to the young particularly those in a battle with cancer.Left behind denied so much.

16.7.2009. Head bowed, cowered and with the pit of the stomach filled with anguish, i look across and see my son lay on the lounge as he battles cancer. Cancer ravages the body,the mind and the soul and it is not content with the pain, suffering and pillage it causes it looks for more ..........yet in the face of adversity he rallies with a courage and a spirit that can only be admired and the battle continues......

3.8.2009. After another prolonged,anxious stay in hospital our son managed to get home on a friday instead of a monday only after agreeing with the nursing staff to be carefull,take care and not to do too much.Sunday afternoon saw us back at the oncology ward after he rolled the quad bike down the creek bank and ended up in the water.The same nursing team greeted him with smiles,well wishes and care as they removed the grass and dirt from the central line.Not one critical word or judgement passed.

21.8.2009. Jeff, I have always enjoyed your columns and they often reflect quality of life because they often focus on small, seemingly less important things. You have also written on empathy and one we share is cancer. I have frequently blogged in regard to my son's cancer, expressing my thoughts, sadly my son passed away on tuesday morning, one day short of his eighteenth birthday. DEVASTATING! Thanks for the opportunity of telling my story.

That was the most recent blog entry from chaff and oats, on Friday. Later that day I spoke to chaff and oats, who is otherwise known as Marcus Kirkwood and who lives outside Singleton. He has the Kirkwood Produce stores at Rutherford and Singleton, hence his blog name.

The funeral for his son Tom is today.

Can our sympathies, our goodwill, our best wishes, achieve anything? We feel constrained to find a positive in death but I can't find one here. Can you?