In my column in The Herald today (Monday) I give the nine messages and my explanation for each of them. In most cases I'll have gone to some trouble to put the target of the message behind me, and while I know it's wise to stay behind bad drivers I can't resist the urge to have them behind me.

Here's my nine:

LEFT LANE PLEASE WHEN NOT OVERTAKING;

PLEASE DON'T GIVE MY TURN AT THE LIGHTS TO ANYONE ELSE;

CYCLISTS SHOULD TAKE THEIR PLACE IN THE LIGHTS QUEUE LIKE ALL OTHER ROAD USERS;

I'M SLOWING BECAUSE YOU'RE TRYING TO INTIMIDATE ME;

SLOWPOKES WHO ACCELERATE FOR OVERTAKING LANES ARE SCUM;

(you can see I'm getting crankier)

KEEP UP WITH THE TRAFFIC, GOOSE;

YOU'RE A JERK;

GO ON, TRY SQUEEZING IN FRONT OF ME;

YOU HAVE A FLAT REAR TYRE.

The reason for most is obvious, but I should explain that the "You're a jerk" is for any and all but especially for the jerks who overtake so slowly in the overtaking lane that only they get past. I hit 'em with the sign when I pass them a few kilometres later. The invitation to squeeze in front is a dare to those who think they have a right to barge in. And the "flat rear tyre" is as a favour for those still stuck behind some funereal driver.

I wouldn't be at all surprised if the cranky driver's board becomes freely available because it's important that we correct moronic drivers. What messages will you punch into your board?