Opinion

Pointless marriage

Do women go to fat as quickly in a de facto relationship as in a marriage? In other words, is there any point to marriage?

The second question has occurred to me from time to time and especially lately when I've noticed the new fashion for couples getting married after having children. The first question occurred to me in a moment of mischievous aberration, and I can only apologise.

In my column in The Herald today I question the value of marrying after having children when there didn't appear to be a value in marrying before having children. It's common now to read or hear of couples tying the knot formally when for some years they've been a family with children they've produced together. Sadly, it's a comment that seems often to be made in news reports of the death of a couple with children - "they were planning to get married next year". Often it's happy news, footballers and others marrying with the couple's child or children in tow.

I suppose to question the value and purpose of marrying after having children is to question the value and purpose of marrying at any time. And, true, I don't know that marriage offers any security or permanence a committed de facto relationship does not. And if it's not a committed de facto relationship, why even consider marriage!

Divorce is easy - and it must be preferable to preserving unpleasant relationships - and a father's (and mother's) accountability and responsibilities are not reduced by their not being married.

So why get married? Does it offer the people marrying and their children anything at all?

Posted By: By Jeff Corbett on 11/12/2008 3:04:15 PM | Comments (60)

comments

Date: Newest first | Oldest first

Marriage was instituted by God. If you don't believe that God has a place in your relational life, there seems little point going through a ceremony suggesting that he does. Perhaps we should create a new term for people who just become "legally bonded" - maybe "courted" or something similar. That said, if it matches your beliefs, then for sure, get married!

Posted by bondy, 11/12/2008 7:03:43 PM

Which god, Bondy?

Posted by Jeff Corbett on 12/12/2008 7:52:26 AM

Jeff, Family is the basis of our society. That means a man married to a woman, and, usually, after that, children born of the union. Children born outside that wedlock are bastards. The "PCs" you wrote about recently have tried to obliterate this christian fact by putting the word "bastard" in the same rubbish bin as the word "nigger". I don't claim to be a christian but I believe I lead a life with christian values, as did my ancestors. Unfortunately, Australian governments have denied the satanic behaviour of raising bastards with their social security policies benefiting this degrading minority. I am surprised that christians have not seen the possible message that God has sent to the unmarrieds with the loss of lives in drownings in NSW recently. Married parents were not mentioned in any media reports on these incidents. I reckon there is a message there and it's time our laws took account of the seriousness of it. In my opinion, marriage is essential for the survival of society as we know it. Those that don't see it that way should not be financed by those of us that do. They can absquotulate to places like Nimbin (maybe only Woomera is left) as was done by those who dropped out in the hippie era. In other words let them cast themselves adrift from our time honoured culture forever and pay their own way.

Posted by Dirty Harry , 12/12/2008 1:03:32 AM

So your god drowns a child because his or her parents are not married? Why, then, does your god drown children of married parents? Are you serious, Dirty Harry?

Posted by Jeff Corbett on 12/12/2008 7:58:43 AM

Crikey. A more moderate view might be to suggest that marriage is simply the glue that our society has traditionally acknowledged as being required to hold a family unit together. A family unit has to start, of course, with a couple (homo, hetero, whatever ~ let's not go there today.....). What constitutes a family unit in modern society is (happily) a more flexible notion : de-facto, married, 'living in sin' ~ whatever works! With a third of marriages failing, it hardly seems justifiable at any level to suggest that marriage is the only way. A couple's commitment to living with each other, having children, building a life is a very personal and private thing. Why the need for a public, expensive ceremony? And, in particular, why do the churchies insist that the whole process be steeped in superstition and religious hocus pocus? LIVE AND LET LIVE. (...and Jeff, I reckon both men and women ... er... 'mature' at the same rate, married, defacto or single. unfortunately).

Posted by StopPayingTheBludgers, 12/12/2008 8:20:09 AM

Dirty Harry - your view may (or MUCH more likely) may not reflect that of mainstream society, but to imply that the recent tragic drowning of children is somehow a consequence of their parents' religious beliefs or marital status is abhorrent and shameful. Take a good long hard look at yourself. What a disgrace.

Posted by StopPayingTheBludgers, 12/12/2008 8:30:05 AM

What amuses me is the report of a couple delaying a honeymoon until later. If two people were already living together, then what is a honeymoon? It used to mean that period straight after a wedding when a couple had a getaway holiday on their own to give them time to get to know each other intimately - to spend 24 hours a day together before coming back to normal realities of working, paying bills etc. Can a couple who already have children and a house etc, really go on honeymoon? I think the point of a wedding is the public declaration of their love and intentions. And for friends and family to celebrate this with them. At least these days, older couples pay for their own wedding.

Posted by Kea, 12/12/2008 9:00:47 AM

Hi Jeff, Wow, you like to tackle the big ones. God first. Now Marriage. Here are some points: 1. Marriage is not just a piece of paper. I have been married for nearly 12 years and I did not get married for the certificate. Marriage is binding in that vows are exchanged in front of witnesses. 2. De Facto relationships I think try to offer the security of wedlock but have the freedom of singleness at the same time. 3. I think you are very sharp to notice that couples marry after having children. I think this is because people deep down know that marriage is a good thing and that marriage is the ideal context for which children are to be raised and nurtured. 4. I think too many people go into marriage unprepared. They are too focused on the wedding day rather than their married life. your thoughts Jeff?

Posted by Joshua, 12/12/2008 9:07:07 AM

Dirty Harry, You wrote: I am surprised that christians have not seen the possible message that God has sent to the unmarrieds with the loss of lives in drownings in NSW recently. Married parents were not mentioned in any media reports on these incidents. I reckon there is a message there and it's time our laws took account of the seriousness of it." Suffering happens to everyone, Christian and non-Christian alike. Good things sometimes happen to bad people and bad things sometimes happen to good people. Why don't you have a look at Luke 13:1-5'. Jesus talks about two tragedies. One is military salughter, ther other is an industrial accident. Jesus asks the question if those who died were more sinful. The answer is no. Those whom you mention who lost children did not lose children because they were not married. They are no worse sinners than you or I. But the right response to tragedy as far as Jesus Christ is concerned is that we repent (stop living our lives our own way and live God's Way - which is to submit to Jesus as Lord) whether married or not.

Posted by Joshua, 12/12/2008 9:10:07 AM

Wow, this blog has fired up some explosive responses. Any commitment by a couple to each other on any level (dating, living together, marriage, financial commitments etc.) has to have a level of trust, and certainly letting go of the memories of past commitments that have gone by the wayside. I pray and hope that any child produced in or out of marriage will be loved and supported by the couple and by society. We as a community have a duty to each and every child to not judge the circumstances of how they were brought into this world. Every new life should be seen as a gift and a potential wonderful grown up. I am not a christian or believe in god, but I was brought up with christian values and try hard to live by them. It is so easy to sit in judgement. Our society will constantly change and evolve (take a look at history) and if people marry after having children?? So what? Having children together is by far a bigger commitment than marriage.

Posted by Leahkf, 12/12/2008 9:31:23 AM

I watched on as a brother of mine went through the church marriage, children, christenings, infidelity, divorce regime dictated to him by his now ex-wife. Not being a religious family I enjoyed poking fun at the proceedings at all of these ceremonies. It seems his separated family, who were bonded under god, are no better off than the other brothers unmarried "de facto" relationship with children that seems as happy as any. Families take many forms and as long as the individuals are happy then healthy children will result. As with most things I find it best to keep religion out of the equation. PS. Dirty Harry, a pox on you for calling my lovely children bastards. Go back and live with Henry VIII with your outstanding views on marriage.

Posted by Realist, 12/12/2008 9:34:58 AM

Marriage, before or after children has little to do with the success of otherwise of a relationship. Commitment, trust, respect and love are the things that bind two people together. Dirty Harry: your post is a first class example why the "institution" of marriage as defined by the church is irrelevant today, and why the church and organised religion are irrelevant to most in this country. I'd love to see some statistics bearing out your assertion that those living out of wedlock are sponging on social security while those who have a marriage certificate are not. Interestingly you seem to assert that both the terms bastards and niggers have met an untimely end at the hands of the PC crowd. It seems you are a racist as well as a dickhead. As for your belief that "god" (type unspecified) punishes families with children born out of wedlock is both puerile and fanciful - and yet another nail in the coffin of the god botherers. Who in their right mind would want any association with such a belief system.

Posted by Directeur Sportif, 12/12/2008 10:26:39 AM

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Pointless marriage

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