Opinion

The homecoming

When I was a teenager at school the most pressing ambition for me and my mates was not to get a job or go to university or to travel. It was to leave home, and we did. Leaving home was to become an adult, staying at home was to remain a child.

Today children stay at home well into adulthood, and most parents can tell you that with as much authority as I can. They stay at home when they go to university and they stay at home when they get a job, and soon I expect that they'll be staying at home when they marry.

And when they do move out they return to live at home when flats or relationships are dissolved, between jobs or to save money for an overseas trip or a house deposit.

One of my three daughters is about to return home for that stated purpose, to save for an overseas trip, and in my column in The Herald today I run through the reading of the rules. Homecoming adult children, I say, become child adults, children first again, and the impact on crotchety old parents can be, well, unsettling.

Six years ago the Australian Unity Wellbeing Index found in a national survey that children at home had a significantly different impact on parents below and above age 56. Below 56 the presence of adult children in the parental home had no effect on the parents' wellbeing, but above 56 the effect was dramatic. Parents older than 56 who continued to live with their children "fail to experience the upward surge in wellbeing normally experienced by people older than 56 years", the researchers found. My wife and I are 56, by the way.

Of course we enjoy and appreciate contact with our children, and one of the main aspects of that is seeing them off into the wide world as independent adults. And it's good to be able to offer a base. For a while. From time to time.

I had been hoping we'd trade our big house for a small house as my children moved out until my wife decreed a few months ago that we'd always need a big house to accommodate "the children when they come home". And how could we house them in a small house, she asked rhetorically, when they come home to stay with their children!

I don't know why but young adults don't seem to see separation from the parental home as crucial to independence and adulthood as we did a few decades ago. Any ideas?

Posted By: Jeff Corbett on 19/03/2009 4:19:05 PM | Comments (23)

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Dont look at me Jeff. I am bereft of ideas. My middle 20's daughter decided after 5 years living on her own and struggling, rent electricity, jobs etc to come home to save money, bringing all her furniture etc etc with her. House is cluttered, lights left on, room a mess (although she was the tidy Police in her former digs). Like you and your wife, we are over 56, gotten used to just us two in the house and starting to think of the sunset highway. Now that is on hold. You wouldn't happen to know any rich, eligible, single, straight males by chance?

Posted by Miz Jasper, 19/03/2009 6:07:13 PM

The straight requirement might be the difficulty!

Posted by Jeff Corbett on 20/03/2009 8:47:48 AM

Interesting topic Jeffro!! I'm 32, left home at 17 to go to uni and have never been back (other than the few days here and there at Christmas and the like). Its an increasing trend these days, for kids to stay at home - from my observations of friends etc its as much the parents fault as the kids/teenagers/adults. If a parent offers a cheap place to live, with free transport about town, cooking and washing done etc - who WOULDN'T want to move home?!? In my opinion it does nothing for the 'kids' though, who have difficulty ever making that migration to stand on their own two feet! More and more I see parents 'protecting' their kids, well into their twenty's - these kids are often the ones (from my experience) who never travel, never get the promotion, delay gettign their licence and never move on...they just stumble into their 30's having done very little for themselves and their life experiences and maturity reflect that (although the parents and the kids will often deny this, everyone else on the outside can often see it). Back in the day (before my time) kids HAD to stand on their own two feet, grow up and deal with things - parents couldn;t afford to look after all the kids into the 30's. Now its the norm! If you are getting a free ride, Jeff's daughter, it wont do you any good - even if you think its great!!

Posted by King Idiot, 19/03/2009 10:33:47 PM

Life at home is easy, they are spoilt. The more who stay the more it becomes the norm in their peer group and acceptable. Like you I couldn't wait to get out. But i started work at 16, now after uni etc they start at 23. Look just have revenge, wait till they have their own place, go and stay. While there leave every light on, dirty dishes exactly were you last used it, don't replace the phone and ring a mate in WA for an hour, and the best for last screw up a wet towel and throw it in the corner of your bedroom before you leave. Nice!

Posted by Buell, 20/03/2009 9:20:18 AM

Your very Vindictive Buell. As a fairly young bloke myself, i moved out of home when i was 20, lived out of home for 2 years and then went back to Mums. 12 months later i moved out into my own home. Now to stop me moving back they moved to a small unit. But i think its just parents wanting the best for their kids. I know I work hard so my son can have a very comfortable life, and i put a small amount of money away a week so he can start life on a great foot and won't have to struggle through the first 10 years of moving out. Maybe it doesn't help them with recognising the value of money, or responsibility like people of your generation had to Jeff, but this is a different world, even in this financial crisis, people are better off, and to put it in the words of JWH " People have never been better off". Looking back, when JWH did say that, he was pretty right. (by the way JWH is former PM John Winston Howard)

Posted by Nafe, 20/03/2009 9:51:09 AM

I just re-read Miz Jasper, and it occurred to me that one of the reasons for "failure to launch" is young people are waiting into their thirties by choice or circumstance to partner up. Increasingly the media states that there is a shortage of suitable males on the single scene. So all you mothers out there who are spoiling your sons, doing everything, washing, ironing, food, cleaning and shopping, wake up and kick the little bludger out so the girls out there have a bloody chance. He is not going to committ while you are spoiling him crazy! By the way, his mates coming around to your house are just after a free feed from super mum.

Posted by Buell, 20/03/2009 10:05:26 AM

I dont think buell is vindictive. just telling it like is for lots of families. if you are not guilty of the type of behaviour buell is referring to then you have nothing to worry about . I would imagine that you dont want your son lto grow up thinking it is okay to leave mess around the kitchen, wet towels thrown in a scrunched up heap and general chaos. parents allow their kids lots of freedom and surely it is not too much for adult children to reciprocate and give the parent some freedom by removing some of their unnecessary workload.

Posted by senior sergeant smith, 20/03/2009 10:07:50 AM

Point taken SSS, No my son (only being 5) still must hang his towel back on the rail in the bathroom when he is finished, must put his dishes in the sink when finished and must pack up his things once he has finished playing and / or before bed. I just don't really see the problem if the parents allow it and the child is staying at home for the right reasons, not just because their lazy.

Posted by Nafe, 20/03/2009 10:39:07 AM

It doesn't matter whether the world is tough, that's no excuse to set your child up financially. Parents helping adult children with handouts just contribute to houses going up more in value. Wake up to yourselves, "IF YOUR KIDS ARE ANY GOOD THEY WILL DO OK", and Buell your a whimp who lets your wife have the final say, lol.

Posted by maria, 20/03/2009 12:06:58 PM

being one of 8 kids and sharing 3 bedrooms between the 8 of us, the incentive to move out so i could spread out was very strong. I left at 19, and returned ever so briefly when i was 29 (after marriage break-up, she got house, and i got the debt. In hindsight, it was a good deal). Now i had the same 3 bedrooms to myself, cooking done for me, washing and ironing done. A few short months was enough, then i realised that no amount of luxury is worth the feeling of not "pulling your weight", so i thanked my folks and moved out. All my siblings and i now encourage my parents to participate in the "ski club" - Spending the Kids Inheritance. We've all done pretty well for ourselves and would rather have our folks alive and healthy than all the money when they're gone. I see it may be different for my lads when it's time for them to fly the nest. Times have changed, and with the critical shortage of affordable housing at the moment they may struggle to leave as young as i did.

Posted by fista, 20/03/2009 12:08:56 PM

maria what makes you think buell is male? i always thought buell was of the female variety.

Posted by senior sergeant smith, 20/03/2009 12:47:56 PM

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