BLOG WITH SIMON: Get up and go slow

With the greatest respect, it needs to be said that people who rise early of a morning to exercise should wake up to themselves.

Not only is it unnatural, and generally undignified, it sets a bad example for the rest of us who prefer to roll over and go back to sleep.

I know because I’ve tried getting up early of a morning and moving, and it wasn’t pretty.

Putting the bins out before the garbo arrived nearly killed me.

Nicking down to the servo for milk was exhausting, despite the fact I drove.

And let’s not talk about that last blackout: I was the one blowing by the time I got to the fuse box.

There’s just no getting round it, excessive early morning movement is disturbing.

For proof at a federal level, look no further than Tony Abbott.

Always cycling or jogging to work at dawn, smiling smugly as if he’s about to take over the country.

The way Labor’s going, he probably is.

Now that’s disturbing!

The only thing more unnatural would have to be one of his press conferences.

When my alarm goes off, the first high-octane reaction is to pretend I didn’t hear it.

Often I’m not pretending.

This possibly explains why I’m not running the country.

I figure if we were meant to pop out of bed of a morning, we’d all sleep in toasters.

Having said that, my bed is pretty damn toasty, which doesn’t help push the exercise agenda.

Sometimes, I look to my ancestors for inspiration.

The older generation thought nothing of rising early.

And neither do I.

Problem solved.

Oh sure, on holidays I can be an absolute dynamo before breakfast – walking, swimming, reading a Who magazine.

But it doesn’t last once I get back to work.

Why that is, I often wonder.

Possibly something to do with the soul-crippling disappointment of being back in the office.

All good things come to an end I suppose.

And at the rising of the sun, that’s generally sleep.

Why make matters worse by going for a jog?

I much prefer to sleep through the alarm a good 20minutes or so and give someone else in the family time to get up, feed the cats and maybe get the paper.

Then, with the theme from 2001: A Space Odyssey playing, I’ll stumble out of bed to get ready for the struggle.

That struggle routinely involves putting my shirt on back to front, and then locating my ugg boots.

I can’t overstate the role ugg boots play in the daily reboot.

Not only breath-takingly fashionable, they spiritually “earth” a person, by warming tootsies.

Warm tootsies then enable the electricity of life to pulse through the system.

Granted, it’s a pretty slow pulse at first. Barely a pulse actually.

But it builds momentum the more the tootsies warm and eventually you stop walking into furniture, as much.

The fact people walk into furniture at all hints at how hazardous any exercise can be at this time of the day.

Better to restrict yourself to low impact stuff, like putting the jug on.

If they developed ugg boot cross trainers, I might look into more vigorous early morning activity.

But until then, I’m advising the nation that when it comes to early morning exercise, sleep on it.

Is early morning exercise a crime against humanity?

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