SIMON WALKER: Positively Guru'd

I’ve come to the conclusion after listening to various affirmation gurus that I need to develop more effective positive thinking techniques, because my current ones are riddled with doubt.

 For example, this year I’ve been repeating to myself again and again I’m going to avoid the Christmas rush, and I have to tell you that’s not going well.

 I had this mantra that I could escape higher electricity prices by cutting back on my usage, but when I got the bill this month I was shocked.

And then the other day, I positively affirmed Australia could run down 632 runs in the second innings to beat South Africa, and look what happened. My bad, Australia, I was  mentally weak.

According to the priests of positive affirmation, our beliefs define our reality, and what we believe about ourselves and life will become true.

This champion mindset is trickling down to lesser mortals like myself and real estate agents, personal trainers and other motivated  types who are committed to mixing up their ambitions with your abilities.

The key to the process is to visualise success, fixate on it to the exclusion of all social grace, and then, as they say in the trade, manifest.

 The fact that I can’t slam dunk a basketball doesn’t prove I’m physically incapable,   rather  I just haven’t thought positively enough  yet.

Any minute now I expect I’ll be hanging like Jordan.

Of course, it’s not easy maintaining these unsustainably high levels of delusion because, quite frankly, there’s a lot of evidence to suggest I’m not a freakishly gifted two-metres-plus African American. But you need role models.

I’ve been particularly inspired lately by that new bloke in charge of Egypt, Mohamed Morsi Isa El-Ayyat.

Straight after taking power in June, he    installed himself as pharaoh, no less. 

That smacks   of old-school affirmation.

Of course he had a  well-armed, fanatical militia to help, but that’s how these mind games work at the international level – believe me or I will shoot you.

Better still, just start shooting.

At a national level, it morphs into something a little less grievous. Take  Wayne Swan for example: ‘‘Believe me, the budget will be in surplus in 2013.’’

Sounds far-fetched, but say it enough times and  someone will  buy it. Probably not the electorate, though.

On an individual level the ultimate  affirmation is: ‘‘I will win Lotto.’’ Unlikely as this is, it’s important  we keep affirming because someone’s got to pay for the roads.

The big enemy of positive affirmation is  of course reality-based doubt.

You need to block this stuff out because it can really hold you back from being who you want to be. In my case, Air Jordan.

Family, friends, statistics and human history are all great sources of this negativity because they give an accurate evidence-based perspective of where you’re at.

Affirmation gurus suggest it’s imperative you excommunicate yourself from them by adopting powerful techniques that will enable you to manifest your dreams.

I suggest the following affirmation: Place hands over both ears and repeat ‘‘blah blah I can’t hear you’’.

It really helps if your dream is to  enable affirmation gurus  to  manifest their dream, which is to make a fortune selling their books, videos and seminars.

In that way you’ll have already got one person over the line. If you keep plugging away your turn will come.

You’ve just gotta believe.

Are there limits to the power of positive thinking?

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