TOPICS: Five countries we should beat but might not.

FIVE countries we really should beat in the medal tally, but might not.

1. Great Britain

Why must we beat them?

Part of it’s self-explanatory. The Ashes. What they did to Harry Kewell’s accent. Making Jason Donovan a star.

But compare our sporting cultures. Our kids are conditioned for the pool from the moment they see an Uncle Tobys ad. British kids are made of chips, Wizz Fizz and school dinners.

So how are they beating us?

2. Ukraine

Why?

They were in 15th place, one ahead of us, at the time of print. These are the summer games. They can’t even go outside most of the year.

3. Kazakhstan

Why?

As we write, Kazakhstan is six places ahead of us. Think of how many times you’ve drunk too much, put on a Borat voice and yelled ‘‘High five! Sexy time!’’ Admit it. You’re doing it now.

It’s safe to say a generation of Kazakh comedians is itching to parody other countries. Finish behind them in London and we’ll be high on their list.

4. New Zealand

Why?

They routinely beat us in the Bledisloe and America’s cups. We can’t let them start winning at sports people care about outside corporate boxes.

5. Democratic People’s Republic of Korea (North Korea)

Why?

Actually, it probably doesn’t matter. The headline in Pyongyang will inevitably be ‘‘Another Clean Sweep – How we did it: a retrospective’’.

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