How to get very slightly healthier for horrible, lazy people.
1. Aim for 6000 steps
Let’s face it. Unless you carve out an hour for exercise each day (insert incorrect game show noise) or you cross a mountainous range to get to work each day, there’s no way you’re doing the recommended 10,000 steps a day. Aim for 6000 steps. This is the equivalent of two 15-minute walks – see point two.
You’ll be disturbed to know there is an app connected to your Facebook on your smart phone called Moves. It will tell you how many steps you’re up to. Don’t bother with a step counter. They’re exclusively used by psychopaths.
2. Make yourself take two 15-minute walks a day
It may involve parking your car a few blocks away from your work or walking to the second-nearest stop or station for your public transport. Maybe you’ll walk fifteen minutes to get lunch and fifteen minutes back. Maybe you’ll finally take your sad old dog for a walk around the block so he can spray his scent on exactly every bush, tree and shuffling senior citizen you pass.
Either way they are easy steps, and after two weeks I personally guarantee that you will lose a third of a stomach roll.
3. Trick yourself into eating more vegetables
The new standard for vegetable intake has gone up to five a day. By the time you finish this article, it will probably have increased to nine. This is wholly because creating unrealistic standards for society to aspire to is the only thing that gives us the illusion that we control our own lives.
Easily circumvent this by tricking yourself into eating vegetables. One easy way is making dips. Roast pumpkin, cashews, garlic and olive oil blitzed in your overpriced and underused magic bullet will do it. Enjoy these dips with point four. The body doesn’t know.
4. Switch to clear spirits
Typically, fanatical white blonde fitness ‘gurus’ with aspirational names like ‘Natalie’ will tell you to cut alcohol out altogether. But if alcohol is the glue that holds your fragile mental state together, simply switch from beer and wine to clear spirits like vodka or gin, topped with soda and lime.
Heaps less calories, same mind-numbing euphoria.
5. Buy new exercise gear
You’ll be so smug about your new threads that you’ll actually want to wear them, like an insufferable child demands to wear her new shoes home from the shop.
Ensure that you do so in situations that do not call for exercise clothes, like grocery shopping, or a wake. You’ll feel so energised by your smug superiority among your peers that you may end up clocking those last 4000 steps after all.