Dear John Laws,
Lawsie, you crazy old scamp. On behalf of the women of Australia I’d like to thank you for your instructions on what we should wear to work in order to be more feminine and pleasing to the (your) eye.
It’s a damn shame these rules seem to apply to just your workplace, which I believe is known as The Fortress.
Well, Sir John of the Mighty Golden Ring, you have made me re-think a few things about equality.
Namely, as you so kindly pointed out, that demanding women ‘look feminine’ and show a lot ‘of leg’ in a workplace is simply 'freedom of speech', and therefore 'a right'.
In the spirit of free speech, here are a few ideas for the women who are in the unfortunate position of having to work within ear-shot and sight of you. I suggest they demand you:
1. Wear a bag over your head. A gag would be great, but a bloke’s got to eat.
2. Wear industrial-grade Man Spanx to haul your well-fed and watered girth.
3. Do something with your hair. Maybe don’t brush it, it might bite someone.
4. Check your gold rings at the door. It is a workplace, not Elvis’s Jungle Room.
5. Retire … and this time mean it.
Always be kind (and stay classy),